I feel as if fear has been a reoccurring theme as of late. The place of transition if filled with unknown and I am hesitant or even possibly resistant.
When I am overwhelmed with the fear of uncertainty I have a tendency to shy away, to close myself off and to reassess. To curl into this little dark cave. When I resurface and come back to the light, I know that this is what my heart desires, this is my path.
At what point do we relinquish stability, when it is unhealthy, and take the leap.
Is it best, to slowly transition, building your foundation, your frame, your roof, while still keeping a foot in what is literally sucking your soul? Or, like a Band-Aid, do you go all in. This is the struggle, the internal battle. One may say the first option is the responsible one, testing the waters. But how do you ‘test the waters’ when you can’t devote all your energy? The unhappiness will continue to be, until the dis-ease is removed. Can you work with that and find ease in the muddy waters?
And then you have the lingering feeling that you are letting people down. You spent time on your education, they supported you, they perceive you as having a great ‘job’, one that supports you so they need not worry as much. But do they see the pain, the suffering, the rage. Yes, rage. The inability to be non-reactive, or even appropriately reactive. To everything, even to your loved ones.
I am looking at going back to school and last night I went to an info session, with one of my hugest supporters. My dilemma is do I take the program through distance education, allowing for me to dictate the speed at which I study, but also I remove any influence a teacher may place on the material. Or do I go part-time in class, having the support of fellow students, faculty etc. They were very accommodating and we came up with a great option, mix of both. But then as we drove home my friend says, “what about a leave of absence, full-time school, take equity out of your house the equivalent of a year salary, remove yourself for a year from the toxicity and focus on your passion”. Without even thinking my response was “no, that’s not acceptable. My family would not be supportive of that – that would not be ok.” To which he responded “They can have an opinion, but they don’t get a vote”.
Only you get a vote.
This is your path, your destiny, your desire, your passion and how you choose to fulfil it is your choice. You and only you are the driver. So yes, it’s time to contemplate once again.